Scarily enough, it’s March 2010 in a few weeks, which means the most eclectic crowd of local and international folk you’ve ever seen are about to converge on Melbourne – models, motorheads, green thumbs, gastronomes, blondes, Irishmen, chickens and some of the worlds hottest surfers for starters - competing in six wildly exciting and very different festivals and events. It’s complete madness, but absolutely nothing will be happening in the rest of the Australia or the world (there’s no one left), so come see what all the fuss is about…

Tea parties, foodie films, masterclasses and more are being served up at the Melbourne Food and Wine Festival between 12–23 March. Sample the delights of local, national and international food producers, all in one evening on 17 March when Prahan Market transforms into a roving feast filled with cocktails, canapés and courses by famous visiting chefs such as April Bloomfield and Nobu Matsuhisa. Keep your precious procurements in the fridge and whip up a midnight snack in your own kitchen at the Highlander Apartments.

Pack your Blue Steel looks and Bruno fashionista, it’s the L’Oreal Melbourne Fashion Festival week from 14 – 21 March. You can book tickets to runway shows featuring design houses such as Mimco, Nicola Finetti and Vanguard. After an irresistible splurge at nearby Myer, relax those hard working feet in the swim spa at Somerset on Elizabeth Melbourne.

Turn your ‘back to work frown’ upside down at the annual Melbourne International Comedy Festival from 24 March to 18 April. As one of the three major comedy giggle-fests in the world, there will be chickens, blondes, and Irishmen dashing across CBD roads to see cabaret, theatre, stand-up comedy, films and more. On top of great local laughmeisters, international acts Ross Noble, Arj Barker and others will be there to tickle your funny bone. Book a room in the thick of the action at the Swanston Hotel Melbourne, and you’ll be laughing even louder.

There’s no lazy daisies or morose roses at the Melbourne International Flower & Garden Show from 24 – 28 March. “Ooh, ah, my they’re lovely” at the floral displays, buy up on the latest in garden products, and get some inspiration at the Avenue of Achievable Gardens. The quirky, funky and botanically convenient Albany Hotel is the place to potter around when you’re not smelling the roses.

Four days of brain trembling horsepower hit Albert Park from 25 – 28 March as the Formula 1 Australian Grand Prix comes to town. Legend in his own lifetime Michael Schumacher is back after retirement, and for pure comedy, there’s always the celebrity races. Get a birdseye view of the Park from The Bayview Eden Melbourne, where you can do warm down laps at the indoor pool, followed by a tune up in the spa and sauna.

Watch the daring manoeuvres on the waves of Torquay at the most prestigious surfing contest, the Rip Curl Pro, from March 30 to April 10. Over 45 of the men’s top surfers, including world champ Joel Parkinson and superstar Kelly Slater, will be there. And when the last wave rolls in for the day, the music festival takes over and then it’s back to the Chifley On The Esplanade Geelong with its beautiful views over Corio Bay and Waves Restaurant serving delicious cuisine for breakfast, lunch and dinner.